a journal entry about balance.

I wrote this in my journal a few days ago, and decided to share.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

I go back and forth between okay and not. This morning, both kids were crying and I though, I absolutely just can't do this. I literally don't have the capacity. But then somehow they calmed down, and we had fun and were happy again. 

I hear women say, "Good thing I love this job," about motherhood. I think I love it -- I definitely want to love it. But I've lost sight of that lately. I've gotten caught up in minutiae and shoulds and forgotten about love and wonder. 

It's the trickiest balance, because the minutiae and shoulds are still important. They still need to happen. But I tend to let them become the most important things, and then everything feels meaningless, because the love and wonder are the entire point of all of it. 

I don't think I'll ever truly get it right. I'll always be standing on a see-saw trying to get things done on one side and surrendering to the present on the other. Some days there will be too much of one, other days it will be too heavy on the other. Even now I hear Nolan cry and I know I won't be meeting all of the goals i had for this nap-time. (illegible scribbles)

I know a lot of women have this "epiphany," if you can call it that, all the time -- there's nothing particularly original in my struggle to balance tasks with presence. But it's where I'm at right now, and the struggle feels particularly poignant these days. I'd love to hear what's worked for you, and how you've made peace with it.