A working Thanksgiving.

I can't say I was thrilled to work today. I love Thanksgiving, and despite the fact that we had our own miniature Thanksgiving last night (it was a very Trader Joe's Thanksgiving), I couldn't help feeling a little bitter as I cleaned blowouts out of seat cushions (oh wait, that was most of the moms that didn't work today, too, wasn't it?). I'm just kidding, it was actually a great day at work, as far as work is concerned. I had a very nice assignment, there were plenty of treats throughout the day, and so on. The point of this post is not a complain fest, as that would in fact be completely negating Thanksgiving. I guess what I'm trying to convey is that it wasn't my ideal Thanksgiving. However.

As I took care of my sweet primary patient and the adorable baby that was my other patient today, I felt so overwhelmed with gratitude that I don't have any family members in the hospital. I felt grateful that I am able to eat food, instead of having custom concoctions of amino acids and vitamins pumped into my veins. I felt grateful that my universe wasn't contained in a tiny, isolation hospital room. I felt grateful that my legs walk, that I can get up and use the bathroom, that my blood can be trusted to carry oxygen, fight infection, and staunch a wound.

I am grateful that even though my car wouldn't start after work, someone jumped it and I got home. I'm grateful for the toys on the floor reminding me of my little boy, who is visiting with his cousins a few hours up north right now. I'm grateful that I have a fridge full of leftovers, a shelf full of books, and an hour before I need to sleep. I'm grateful for the promise of a few hours of "me-time" on Saturday morning, before my family returns from their Thanksgiving road trip. I'm thankful to have a job, even though sometimes it seems like the root of all my stress.

I know that I take a lot for granted, that I find it easier to complain than to rejoice. I'm hoping this year I can hold my thanksgiving a little closer to my heart. One of my favorite memories of Thanksgiving as a very little girl is listening to Christmas music on the 5-hour drive home from Idaho Falls after Thanksgiving. I'm indulging in a little eggnog and Pentatonix right now, and that Christmas-y feeling is starting to blossom around me. It really is this palpable feeling to me, something that I can't reproduce any other time of year but that always returns after Thanksgiving dinner, familiar as though it never left. Christmas is special because it is about rejoicing -- rejoicing in the hope of salvation, despite the fact that life can be grim. Thanksgiving is such a perfect invocation of the spirit of Christmas. It is easy to get caught up in the stress of the season, and I know every year we make the same resolutions to remember the Savior, love, and family, more than Toys 'R' Us ads and holiday parties. But I hope each year I can do a little better.

So -- I'm grateful. I'm grateful for everything I have, even the things that aren't always comfortable or easy. And I'm grateful for this season of joy before me. Happy Thanksgiving!

A renewal.

I have started many, many blogs. Like, maybe 7 or 8. (3 are live right now).

I haven't been writing in any of them. I haven't been writing much of anywhere.

There are a lot of reasons for this. Like working full time, and being a mom, and having a husband in graduate school, and the holidays. Obvious reasons. There are also not so obvious reasons, like being fearful of others' opinions, and being unsure of where the line is between touching honesty and an overshare. As well as the fact that I felt stretched thin -- unsure of whether I should post on this blog, or that one, or keep it to my journal.

First things first -- I have to share a quote with you that explains my reasons for getting back to blogging, regardless of where. This month, my book club read the book Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. To say this is a powerful book would be an understatement. I found myself adding post-it notes to a good percentage of the pages, and because it is a library book, I've just spent the better part of an hour typing out my favorite quotes into the ever-lengthening Microsoft Word document where I dump every good quote I find, often never to look at it again.

If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the “right” words. It’s just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice. When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone. (Glennon Doyle Melton)

She goes on to say that even "bad" writers should write, because then maybe we will give courage to others to write, to share their truths even if their sentences aren't Pulitzer-worthy.

And the truth is that I miss blogging. I've always felt like nothing is real until I've expressed it in some way. I compose blog posts and book reviews in my head and I think it's time to set them free, even if my writing goes unread.

But I want to make a few changes. For a long, long time I have written a book blog, The Story Girl Book Reviews.  I love this blog -- I used to post book reviews daily. I'm not deleting the blog, but I am laying it aside for the time being. I just don't have the time to write full-length reviews or devote myself to its upkeep anymore. However, I can't stop talking about books. So for now, I'll be talking about them here.

Secondly, I have felt prompted for several months to write for new moms, in part because my own experience with new motherhood was so traumatic and unexpected and I feel this desire to smooth the path for others in any way that I can. I had a blog all planned out -- domain name reserved, blog design planned out, column ideas penciled into my planner -- but I just haven't been able to start on it. I think part of me believed that it had to be perfect to begin, and so it has remained an idea and nothing more.

I can't say that I'll never start that blog, but for now, I can't put my energy into it. It is already being siphoned off in too many other directions. However, I do want to write content that is specific to that earthquake of change and love and tenderness that is postpartum life.

What I'm saying, in essence, is that this blog is going to be a hodgepodge for now. I have been trying to find some direction for it for a long time, making up little columns in the past like "Mama Monday" and "Foodie Friday," that are not currently in my plans. I've tried experimental posts, free-writing prompts, sticking only to family updates. I still haven't found exactly what I'd like to do. But I am going to keep writing, if only to exercise this little writing muscle that starts to twinge and nag at me if I ignore it for too long.

I could fill this blog post with Glennon Doyle Melton quotes, but there is one that seems particularly relevant.

Reading is my inhale and writing is my exhale. If I am not reading and writing regularly, I begin to suffocate and tend to climb the nearest person like a frantic cat, clawing at the person’s eyeballs and perching on his head, desperate to find a breath of air. This is why my husband is supportive of my writing, because he is generally the nearest person. So Craig and I think it’s imperative for a girl to have a place to inhale and exhale. Some place safe to tell the truth. (Glennon Doyle Melton)

For now, this will be my safe place to exhale.   

Hi there!

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's been awhile since I've written anything, actually. I have this problem where I create projects upon projects for myself, and even though they are self-imposed projects, I feel this sense of obligation to finish them, all the while thinking of more and more projects, until I get crushed by a sense of imaginary obligation and vegetate under countless episodes of Parks and Recreation and eating Cookies and Cream Cookie Butter out of the jar with a spoon.

I need healthier coping mechanisms.

All that to say, I got overwhelmed with blogging and Happiness Projects and plans for writing three interconnected novellas and planning parties and making Halloween costumes and I didn't do anything for a while. Except, you know, take care of a crazy toddler and working full-time in a high acuity unit. Which apparently isn't enough for the little voice in my head that suggests all these projects.

Anyway, all this to say, I miss blogging, and I am slowly dipping my toes back in to see if I can do it for relaxation instead of getting crazy. I have all these ideas of what a blog "should" be -- organized, polished, about family, about crafts, about recipes, whatever. When in reality for me it is a dumping ground for assorted ideas suggested by the crazed project-voice in my head or found on the internets.

Anyway, I'm just going to let it be what it is. And I made a little discovery today that I wanted to share with whoever still reads this. :)

Have any of you ever been to BYU Women's Conference? I always thought it would be a good idea when I was at BYU, but I always had some kind of other obligation. Anyway, yesterday I got an email from Deseret Book saying that all of their Women's Conference e-books were $34.99. Usually it is $49.99 for the whole bundle and I made an impulse purchase.

Today, I was thinking, "I'd better start reading all these talks since I spent a bunch of money on them." I read the first talk in the 2013 book and it was amazing. I don't know how to convey inspired I felt after reading that talk. Inspired enough to blog, obviously.

It's still on sale. Go buy it.

That's all.

October/Happiness Project

One of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors (Attachments by Rainbow Rowell) has a whole chapter about how wonderful October is. (And you can read the chapter online here, because Rainbow Rowell is a lovely and generous person). "It's October at last! Callooh, Callay!" Silly words, but they define how I feel. In this heat-wave besieged California metropolis, my soul is grasping at every little hint of autumn it can find. A few scarlet leaves littered the sidewalk when I took a walk with Cal, and earlier this week we practiced jumping on the crunchy leaves at the playground. Trader Joe's is already a pumpkin lover's paradise, and so far I have sampled pumpkin cranberry pita crisps, pumpkin mochi ice cream, pumpkin spice pumpkin seeds, the "this pumpkin walked into a bar" cereal bars, and pumpkin body butter (not in my mouth, that one). I am dying to try the pumpkin sea salt caramels, the pumpkin Joe-Joe cookies, the pumpkin ice cream, and several other things I currently can't remember because I've been denying myself in order to decrease my sugar intake. (Just remembered. Not pumpkin, but speculoos chocolate cups. Om nom nom). (October is heaven. October in Trader Joe's is paradise. Cal agrees. He told me the other day, "Pumpkin say... yum!!")

I love October for more than the sights and tastes. I love the spooky atmosphere, diving into eerie novels and losing myself in mysteries. I love the sense of magic that purveys the world, the excitement about turning into someone else for a night. I love the color orange. I love the World Series. I love making soups and putting on sweaters (please, LA? Please can I wear a sweater?) and my spider scrubs top. I even love when it gets dark earlier... in October. In December it gets too dark, but October gives you just enough to see the stars.

Anyway, enough rhapsodizing about October. (You can never rhapsodize enough about October.) I'm not going to recap September's Happiness Project, because my marriage is too sacred and private to be entangled in my stunt blogging, but I am looking forward to October's theme. I am going to focus on Beauty.

Before you write me off as being shallow, allow me to explain. Initially, my plan was to solely focus on working on my own, physical beauty this month, not because my appearance is so important to me, but because I've never really learned how to put on makeup, or what products work for me (I often just take my mom's rejects), or how to do my hair properly (scrunch gel and hairspray, every day of my life since 6th grade). I never feel like taking the time to watch tutorials. And no, I don't want to become a glamour queen, but I do think it would be good for me to take a little time and learn what works for me. And I thought October would be the perfect month for it, because October is all about dressing up.

As I thought about the concept of Beauty more, I also started thinking about it in a less superficial sense. As in, what brings beauty to my life? What do I find inherently beautiful? I started thinking about art, and nature, and sweet little smiles on a sweet little boy's face. It made me want to thick more about beautifying this world, not with my face (although I hope to do that a little better) but with my actions, my creativity, and sharing beautiful things others have done as well.

So October's Happiness Project is twofold. First of all, I am going to try to be an adult and figure out my style. To that end, I am going to:

:: Clean out my bathroom, which is full of half-used makeup containers and lotions and potions. Get rid of what I don't use, and make a list of what I do or would like to try.

:: Maybe get my makeup done at Bare Escentuals.

:: Watch at least 3 makeup and 3 hair youtube tutorials. Maybe if I'm feeling bold I'll blog about it.

:: Watch the free Dressing Your Truth videos. I've heard raves about them.

:: Get a new makeup bag. Mine is so sick-nasty because I use Bare Escentuals and the powder gets all over everything. I think six years later I'm okay to get myself a new bag.

:: Clean my brushes. Because I don't want to tell you how long it's been since I've done that.

And then, on the other side of the beauty spectrum:

:: Instagram something I find beautiful every day. I will try to take pictures of things other than my son. But I do think he is pretty beautiful.

Also, while we're on the subject of beauty, Kaytie of the Be-YOU-ty Bureau has been doing a lovely, lovely video series for the last several weeks about women finding their beauty. It is super amazing. Go watch it. (They're the ones marked Finding My Beauty).

Anyone else love October? Also, GO GIANTS!

Cal aime, Cal n'aime pas.

Lately Cal has been making his own sentences. It has been hilarious to hear what he is thinking about and to see his little imagination begin to work. One of my favorite questions to ask him is, "What do you like?" He usually answers me, "I yike..." with a string of various and sometimes surprising responses. Here's a sample of his answers today:

::  airplanes
::  boats
::  ships
::  trains
::  Thomas (the train)
::  Momma
::  Daddy
::  apples
::  cheese
::  cake
::  walrus
::  fishies

Our conversations about what Cal "yikes" reminded me of the scene in Amelie when the narrator goes through several of the characters and talks about the quirky things they like and dislike. Here's the video (I couldn't find English subtitles, je suis desolee):



Here's what I "yike:"

::  books
::  pumpkin season at Trader Joe's
::  the way the air smells near the ocean
::  acoustic covers of pop songs
::  reading in bed
::  period dramas
::  undercooked desserts
::  being awake before everyone else
::  herbal tea lattes
::  folk music
::  chambray shirts

What do you like?

Food for Thought

I came across this lovely passage today in the book Eve and the Choice Made in Eden by Beverly Campbell.

“Discernment, the ability to see beyond the literal to the divine essential, has ever been God’s gift to women. Since Eve, women have faced the challenge of ambiguous choices that carry with them holy, life-altering consequences. On the correct resolution of these ambiguities hangs the future of generations, the civilizing of society, the basic dignity of the human race, and mortal life itself. Daily, women must make decisions based on things not seen or even known clearly. Often these decisions require great leaps of faith. Frequently these decisions must be based on what serves the greater good for the greatest number. Often such decisions require women to set aside their own well-being in favor of another’s. The very process of bearing children illustrates this truth dramatically. It is a source of strength and comfort to many women to know that inherent in their divine nature is this innate ability to be in tune with God’s purposes.

            “Even more awe-inspiring is the knowledge that the Lord has such abiding faith in women’s judgment and wisdom. By His very actions, He has shown women that He wants them to claim and properly act on this gift. Women are surely beloved of the Lord for Him to have placed them in such a position. As He relies on women to embrace the greater law, to bow to the greater commandment, He affirms their intellect, their integrity, and their righteousness.”

I have heard church leaders say that discernment is one of the most valuable spiritual gifts -- the ability to make apt decisions in a world of choices. I know in my life I have had to make choices that at the time seemed ambiguous -- the choice to change my career path from pharmacy to nursing, the choice to have a baby earlier than we had originally plotted out, the choice to work at this point in my life rather than be a stay at home mom, which I feel like is the more "normal" choice for other women in my position. All of these choices came with guidance from the Holy Ghost, but none of them were easy to make. All of them have brought their share of difficulty and doubt, but ultimately have blessed my family and my life more than the path that would have been easier for me would have. (I am not saying it is easier to be a stay-at-home mom, or a pharmacist, or a woman without a child -- just saying that for me personally, those choices would have been more comfortable for me at the time I chose against them. Clearly the Lord had other plans for me).

This also reminds me of the reason we chose Cal's name. He is named after one of the central characters in the John Steinbeck novel East of Eden, Caleb Trask (who goes by Cal, too). In the novel, Cal has a series of trials that seem to doom him to a failed life. However, he learns that as a human being endowed with personal agency, he can choose his actions -- he can choose to overcome his situation, to make the difficult choices that may lead to temporary discomfort but if he can endure it will lead to lasting joy and self-mastery. The essential word that epitomizes his experience is timshel, a Hebrew word meaning "thou mayest." Steinbeck explains this word in a conversation between Cal's father, Adam, and their family's servant, Lee:

‘Ah!’ said Lee. ‘I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time. I even anticipated your questions and I am well prepared. Any writing which has influenced the thinking and the lives of innumerable people is important. Now, there are many millions in their sects and churches who feel the order “Do thou,” and throw their weight into obedience. And there are millions more who feel predestination in “Thou shalt.” Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be. But “Thou mayest!” Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win.’ Lee’s voice was a chant of triumph.

            Adam said, ‘Do you believe that, Lee?’

            ‘Yes, I do. Yes, I do. It is easy out of laziness, out of weakness, to throw oneself into the lap of deity, saying, ‘I couldn’t help it; the way was set.’ But think of the glory of the choice! That makes a man a man. A cat has no choice, a bee must make honey. There’s no godliness there. [...] I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed – because “Thou mayest.”'

(If you are familiar with Mumford & Sons, their song "Timshel" puts this concept into poetic song as well). (Also, I wrote a blog post about this concept in literature at my book blog a couple of years ago). 

I am so grateful that God trusts us enough to give us choices, the greatest gift given to humanity. We can choose darkness or light, and when we choose light, we are progressing to live again with Him. 

Happiness Project Recap and September/Inspiration from August

I haven't had as much time to blog lately and I've been tempted to just drop it all... but the truth is that I love it even when I can't dedicate much time to it. So all my little end-of-month posts are going to be crammed in here, and hopefully I'll do better next month! 

My "have fun" goal in August was partially completed. I did go to Idaho and had a lot of fun with family, had a girl's night, and tried to give myself the chance to enjoy life instead of always piling on more responsibilities. Cal went through a really difficult time with teething and it was hard to get out and have fun some days, but we still had a good end of summer. 

For September I am focusing on improving my marriage and relationship with Scott. I'm keeping specifics of this goal to myself as I feel like marriage is a pretty personal thing, but that is my focus for this month. 

Now on to the things I found that I loved this month! There were so many that I've considered making this a weekly post, with the obvious issue that I don't always find myself blogging on a weekly basis. Maybe we'll go to bi-weekly. But for now, enjoy a huge list of things that inspired me in the month of August:

:: Beautiful vintage photos of motherhood.

:: Help from heaven with whatever trials we face. 

:: 5 lessons from postpartum depression. 

:: How to breastfeed appropriately.

:: An unexpected advocate for breastfeeding. 

:: Rules for visiting a new mom

:: The way motherhood transforms the way you love

:: Amazing scholarly article about how birth is a sacrament (by one of my nursing school classmates!)

:: Beautiful video about how faith enables us to go through difficult times. 

:: 20 happy thoughts for when you are having a bad day. 

:: Women can change the world.

:: 8 lessons for a great marriage. 

:: An essay about making sacrifices while being true to yourself. 

:: Who we really are, underneath our mistakes. 

:: Have you ever walked a labyrinth? I love them. Any good ones in Los Angeles?

:: Reconciling our desires with the Lord's plan for us. 

:: Heartwarming. 

:: Let's be understanding of others. 

:: Those days when we just can't keep it together. 

:: Yummiest breakfast EVER. 

:: A different perspective on following Christ. 

:: Photos of moms with postpartum depression who look insta-perfect. Which goes to show we all carry a burden that is unseen. 

:: Buzzwords for the pseudo-crunchy mom. Essential in Los Angeles. 

:: Male support for breastfeeding (yay!)

:: A story about postpartum anxiety and coming through it. (The more stories shared like this, the more women who feel alone are saved). 

:: The gratitude of this mom reminds me of why I am a nurse, and inspires me to be better. 

:: More insightful thoughts on women, motherhood, and career. 

:: I am a huge advocate for breastfeeding. But... it didn't go very well for me, despite hours of work and tears and spending money and lactation consults and expensive supplements. So I appreciated this list of reasons not to feel bad.

:: Love. Love, love, love (is the answer). 

:: Treating yourself with the love and forgiveness you would show to your child. 

:: A matter of perspective. 

:: What depression is like. 

:: How birth is like baptism (kind of like the Sacrament of Birth article referenced above). 

:: The lovely, lovely, luxury of time. 

:: It's okay if you don't stare at your children every moment. It really is. (Unless you take it too far... and therein lies the constant stress that permeates my life!)

:: If you are wondering if you should work or not, here is a quiz to help you determine if you should be a stay-at-home mom, a working mom, or a work-at-home mom (hint: there's no winner here!)

:: What does oversharing really mean?

:: A day in the trenches.

:: Let's not shame people for the type of birth experience they have, mmmk? 

:: The heaviness of love. 

Okay, I'm definitely going to have to do this more than once a month. That took forever! Hope you found something you liked.