Gratitude.

I have a weakness. I have many weaknesses. But the one that seems to cause the most problems for me is this: I am a pessimist.

Now don't get me wrong -- this isn't something I am happy about. In fact, I never applied the label to myself before this evening. I was thinking about my week, the fact that Monday was really difficult for me, and I realized that I have a tendency to look for problems. I think part of this is because I am analytical, and as I pick things apart, I see the flaws. Regardless, I realized that I do have this tendency to find things to be discouraged about, and in labeling it, I feel like I have something to fight about.

Being a pessimist isn't the point of this post, though. It's simply to highlight the fact that the last post I wrote was pretty pessimistic. I was having a bad day, and I was in the frame of mind that I had no friends, that I was a terrible mother, wife, and nurse, and that I was always going to be that way. (I don't always feel that way, but when I am having a bad day, sometimes I do). Then, so many people kindly commented on this post, and it made me stop and realize how much I have to be grateful for. I felt guilty for complaining, especially because I know how hard other peoples' lives can be. But I've been trying to not dwell on feeling guilty about my imperfections but instead just move past them as much as I can.

And, because the last post I wrote was about a rough day, tonight I want to write about a wonderful day (today). Here are the wonderful things that happened today:

* Cal tried to put dishes in the dishwasher while I unloaded and loaded it. It is amazing to me that he is able to put together the fact that his dishes go in there.
* He also read himself a book and cracked himself up at the end, AND I managed to get a video of that perfect moment.
* I finally tasted this yogurt that the mother of one of my patients recommended. It is called Noosa and you should buy it. It is INCREDIBLE.
* We went to the park across the complex and had the playground to ourselves. Often, going to the playground with Cal is tough because ANYTHING that has wheels (strollers, scooters, toy cars, you name it), he wants, and he cries if he can't get it. There was an abandoned skateboard, and Cal blissfully pushed it around for 45 minutes. He also had a little blowout and because no one was there, I changed him at the playground. He got away from me and crawled around naked for a minute, which was hilarious to his audience of one.

* The park has this bucket swing and we swung in it together. Cal was only interested for a minute, but during that minute he was laughing, cuddling me, and looking up at me and I loved it!
* We went to Tatsu ramen with some friends. It was fun to go to lunch with a friend -- I can't remember the last time I did that. Also, Cal kept laughing at my friend's daughter and imitating her words, and I was again struck by how much more developed he is getting.
* Cal wouldn't go to bed for about an hour and a half (and didn't take a morning nap because he appears to be phasing that out) and I kept going in and trying to soothe him. Finally, the third time, I decided I would sing to him and then leave him in there for an hour. As I was singing, his eyelids grew heavy and it reminded me of when he was tiny and I would bounce him to sleep in my arms. Unfortunately, for some reason this made me giggle, which woke him up. But eventually I got it under control, after which Cal proceeded to sleep for THREE HOURS. :-D
* We had a text from a friend while he napped inviting us to the beach. My first impulse was to say no -- I thought it was too late in the afternoon to go, and I am not very spontaneous. I like things to be planned out at least a day ahead. But then I thought about how I've been complaining that I'm lonely, and realized that Cal was taking a long nap, and decided to just go for it, and it was so wonderful. The sun was setting over the ocean. At first Cal was really freaked out by the waves coming even though they were far away from him, and kept hiding his face. However, once we walked out to them, he giggled as they washed over his toes, and he finally gave in and got dirty in the sand. It was a refreshing experience, a bit of an unexpected adventure, and I was so grateful that my friend had invited me and that I hadn't said no out of a fear that my perfectly laid plans would go awry.

* Cal ate for me all day -- he loved the lasagna we had to night. Then, although an hour later than usual, he went straight to bed, and I have high hopes that he will be sleeping in until at least after 6 am tomorrow. :)

Now I just need to go back to this and read it when I am having another day like Monday. I am so grateful for my family, my home, and my friends. Off to clean the kitchen and then a date with Jillian Michaels.