I've been feeling a little discouraged this week. Cal has been sick, and it has been really hard to be away from home while I know he isn't feeling well. I think it is also partly because I have been in class all week instead of on the floor. I'm not sure how it is that an 8 hour day in the classroom can be completely exhausting and drip by second by second for hours, while a 12 hour day on the floor can be so energizing and is over before I know it. I'm definitely interested in what we're learning in the classroom, and I know that it is important information for me to have in order to take care of my patients, but I wish there was another way to get the information other than death by powerpoint. I'm pretty sure I could have read the last three days' worth of information in about six hours and spent the rest of the time on the floor. But hey, at least I get paid to be there. The paycheck continues to be the number one perk of being a working mom. I never knew how mercenary I could be until I started getting a legitimate salary.
The other thing that has been hard has just been the feeling of being stretched so thin. I've always had many interests, and in the last year or so I got used to being able to pursue those interests. I had time to read books, had time to write, had time to exercise, and had time to be a mom and take care of my house. Now I have 40-50 hour chunks missing from my week. Also, I feel guilty if I do anything other than be directly involved with Cal whenever he is awake (whereas in the past I would clean while he played with toys, exercise, etc). I don't spend as much time focusing on being a good nurse as my coworkers; I don't spend as much time one-on-one with my son as other moms who don't work or who work part time. I also sometimes feel like my spirituality is slipping out of control -- I used to spend about 30 minutes studying the scriptures, and now if I get in 10 it feels like a great day. And I know that Facebook is not the place to make comparisons, but I see posts about people going to the temple and doing family history and serving others -- or even just going to church activities -- and I feel guilty that none of those activities have even passed into my radar in the past few weeks. I'm scrambling just to fulfill my callings at church, which admittedly are not the most time-consuming of callings.
At times like these I sometimes wonder why I felt so prompted to work. I feel like there are so many things I am not doing well. However, I am fortunate enough to really enjoy my job (at least, the part where I'm on the floor). It is hard to have faith sometimes that this was the right decision when I am being pulled in a million different directions, but I am fortunate to have really great support and childcare (let me just throw out there that my grandma is AMAZING and has been such a help, and Cal's other babysitter has been wonderful as well), a husband who works amazingly hard, and the knowledge that this is the path the Lord wanted me to take -- even though I sometimes wonder what He was thinking.