Thoughts on working.

I talk about work more than I realize, I think. Sometimes my life seems like it is split perfectly in two -- there is the me that is home with my son, that throws parties, that sings songs and cooks dinners, and there is the me that calculates medications, tries to figure out how to squeeze two blood products, an investigational drug, pre-meds, anti-nausea medications, diuretics, and morphine into one kid's body in a 12 hour day.

I think we all know which version of myself I like better. Or at least, I think I do. I am always wishing I could be home more, stressing out before work with worry like a weight in my stomach. My decision to work was a complicated one, and sometimes I wonder if it was the right one (aka, I prayed about it and felt right about it, but sometimes after a long day I have my doubts).

But here's the thing. Most of the times I've felt moved to bear my testimony of the Savior at church (members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or "Mormons" have the opportunity to do this publicly before the whole congregation once a month if they want to), I feel like it has been because of an experience I've had at work. This is not to say that I haven't had testimony strengthening experiences at home, because I have. But it is obvious that I have some serious lessons to learn at work -- that this job stretches me in ways that I need to be stretched.

Lately I have the same patient every time I come to work, and I have some extra responsibilities with this patient. We call it having a "primary patient." This family is so sweet and devoted to their child, and they are so fearful right now. It is humbling to be one of the people they look to for answers and support. It also reminds me that no matter how stressed out I am at work, no matter how worried I am about my failings both real and imagined, at least I can come home, sleep in my own bed, and kiss my sweet, cancer-free child goodnight. I don't know if he'll always be healthy. I don't know if, in the future, I will have more healthy children. However, another gift working this job has given me is realizing that sometimes the present moment has to be enough -- I don't know what will happen in the future, but today, my family is well.

And that is what is going to get me out of bed tomorrow despite the day I had today.

Working Mom Update 2

I've been feeling a little discouraged this week. Cal has been sick, and it has been really hard to be away from home while I know he isn't feeling well. I think it is also partly because I have been in class all week instead of on the floor. I'm not sure how it is that an 8 hour day in the classroom can be completely exhausting and drip by second by second for hours, while a 12 hour day on the floor can be so energizing and is over before I know it. I'm definitely interested in what we're learning in the classroom, and I know that it is important information for me to have in order to take care of my patients, but I wish there was another way to get the information other than death by powerpoint. I'm pretty sure I could have read the last three days' worth of information in about six hours and spent the rest of the time on the floor. But hey, at least I get paid to be there. The paycheck continues to be the number one perk of being a working mom. I never knew how mercenary I could be until I started getting a legitimate salary.

The other thing that has been hard has just been the feeling of being stretched so thin. I've always had many interests, and in the last year or so I got used to being able to pursue those interests. I had time to read books, had time to write, had time to exercise, and had time to be a mom and take care of my house. Now I have 40-50 hour chunks missing from my week. Also, I feel guilty if I do anything other than be directly involved with Cal whenever he is awake (whereas in the past I would clean while he played with toys, exercise, etc). I don't spend as much time focusing on being a good nurse as my coworkers; I don't spend as much time one-on-one with my son as other moms who don't work or who work part time. I also sometimes feel like my spirituality is slipping out of control -- I used to spend about 30 minutes studying the scriptures, and now if I get in 10 it feels like a great day. And I know that Facebook is not the place to make comparisons, but I see posts about people going to the temple and doing family history and serving others -- or even just going to church activities -- and I feel guilty that none of those activities have even passed into my radar in the past few weeks. I'm scrambling just to fulfill my callings at church, which admittedly are not the most time-consuming of callings.

At times like these I sometimes wonder why I felt so prompted to work. I feel like there are so many things I am not doing well. However, I am fortunate enough to really enjoy my job (at least, the part where I'm on the floor). It is hard to have faith sometimes that this was the right decision when I am being pulled in a million different directions, but I am fortunate to have really great support and childcare (let me just throw out there that my grandma is AMAZING and has been such a help, and Cal's other babysitter has been wonderful as well), a husband who works amazingly hard, and the knowledge that this is the path the Lord wanted me to take -- even though I sometimes wonder what He was thinking.

Life as a Working Mom: Part 1

I have three weeks of work under my belt now... and my first consecutive days off since I started. Four, to be exact. Hooray! It's a good thing, too, because Scott has been home with our boog for these last three weeks, but he is about to go back to school. Adjustment time is only beginning.

Working 50 hours this week has left me pretty brain-dead and incapable of forming good paragraphs, but I can make bullet-points. So here's being a working mom in a nutshell, so far:

The Good:
* The paycheck. I know it's mercenary, but it is really gratifying to look at the clock and realize that my actions are filling my bank account. It won't always be my job to provide for my family, but it is nice to be able to participate now.
* Scott completely understands all the things that were frustrating to me as a stay-at-home mom. I think he'll be a lot more understanding in the future when I return to that role... and I'll be a lot more understanding of him as he gets home from work and doesn't want to do anything for a few minutes.
* I really, really love nursing. I am passionate about what I am doing, which helps.
* I love the kids I work with. I love making them laugh and trying to brighten up their days, because let's face it -- they spend a lot of time choking down medications that make them throw up and dealing with me messing with a tube that goes through their chest all the way to their heart. They have tough lives, and if I can make them happy for a few minutes, I can feel good about that day.

The Rough:
* I miss Cal so much. Fortunately things will get better once the residency is over, but right now it is hard to only have an hour some days, a few days off scattered about, and then days when I don't see him at all.
* It is stressful -- in general, adjusting to a new life, and also, being in a situation where my mistakes could seriously endanger someone's life. Not to mention the fact that seeing kids suffer is pretty difficult as well.
* I thought my time was limited as a stay at home mom -- I never felt like I had time to exercise, clean, cook, take care of Cal, be a good wife, and do some things for myself. Now I am trying to do all of that and work and commute, and there's always something that has to give way (usually cleaning).
* I feel out of place everywhere -- at work, no one else has kids. At church, no one else works. It isn't always comfortable being in an in-between place.

However, with both the good and the bad, I'm so grateful to have this job. I'll keep posting on this topic every so often. Hope everyone is having a good weekend, and GO COUGARS!

Courage.

Many people have asked me why my goal is to work with children who have cancer. They ask how I can handle it, especially having a son of my own now. I've never been able to put it into words. I have a few answers of course -- I've lost loved ones to cancer and it has inspired me to help others, I like working with patients long-term, I find working with cancer patients to be more challenging and rewarding than other forms of nursing -- but the real reason is this ineffable quality I've never been able to define.

Watch this video, and I think you'll understand. (It is long, but it is well worth twenty minutes of your day -- much more worth it than time spent on Facebook or watching a show. Trust me on this one).

I want to work with children who have cancer because I want to help people who are struggling with this vicious disease. But the truth is that they help me far more than I can ever help them. So far I have only worked with cancer patients and their families in school and volunteer capacities, and already so many of them have changed my life. I have seen teenage boys like the one in the video who are so willing to seize life despite the discomfort and fear their cancer brings them. I have seen a six-year-old girl confined in a hospital room for months at a time who still manages to smile every single day and live her life with a zest and passion I've rarely seen elsewhere. I have spent time with children bearing the burden of loss and disease as their parents suffer with cancer, and the way they still have so much joy and love in their souls.

People have asked me how I can leave my beautiful son and go to work. Part of me still wonders how I will do it. I would love to stay home with him always, and I am grateful that nursing doesn't take me from him every day. Part of the reason I am going to work is financial of course -- we need insurance and money to live in this expensive place. But another part of that reason is that multiple times I have felt the Spirit prompt me to do this work. I didn't want to be a nurse at first -- I had lofty career goals and prestigious degrees in mind. I resisted the prompting I felt to change my life, but it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Changing my carefully constructed plans made me available to marry my wonderful husband, gave me the freedom to have a child sooner than I had originally thought I would, allowed me to move to this city where I have already met so many wonderful people. At first I thought changing those plans was only to facilitate those results, but about a year ago, 7 months pregnant and wondering if I should continue in my plans to work, I felt it again -- the Spirit calling me to care for these children, better their lives in any way I can, and allow them to better me.

The courage of the young man in this video and his wonderful, supportive loved ones has moved me so much today. Death is a strange thing -- it is the thing people fear most, it is one of the only universal experiences, and yet it can also inspire us in such a beautiful way. I know that I will be less likely to complain when one of the many tiny things that inevitably go wrong falls upon me today. I will remember Zach and the other children who have touched my life and inspired me to live better.