I am supposed to be at the gym right now. This is the reason I wouldn't let Scott take the car to the Fishbowl, resulting in me driving him around. This is why I wasn't going to feel guilty about eating In-N-Out and oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough all day. However, I spent the hour I had reserved for studying for my biochemistry test reading book blogs and failing (yet another) biochem blackboard quiz. Time to start focusing again, my friends.
I'm not sure what it is, but I no longer have any drive or energy for school. I don't know if it is because I know that as long as I pass this class, I will graduate, or if I am just so busy doing other, non-school related things, that I can't be bothered to do my biochemistry homework. Maybe it is because I have more time, so I continually put off my homework. Although I feel like I am busy most of the time. I think I spend a disproportionate amount of time cleaning my tiny apartment - Scott and I have so much cluttery stuff (we both have pack-rat tendencies) that it is impossible to get everything 100% spotless. I spend way too much time cleaning for how messy it looks, at any rate. Maybe its because now I spend the largest amount of time in this front room by myself, and so it isn't "the study zone" for me.
I have been a full-time student with no breaks for the last four years. My longest break has been at Christmas each year. And I liked it that way. I get depressed when I am bored, I've never been a TV watcher, I'm not really one to "just hang out" with people. Combine that with the fact that I changed my major an appalling number of times, and you have four years straight of full-time education. I thought I would miss school and get depressed without so much to do. In some ways, I guess that is true, because I have so much less structure. But really, I now have so many more things that I want to do. I want to work out every day and get to a weight that I'm happy with before I start having kids (because I know it will just get harder and harder after that!). I want to read all these stacks of books lurking next to my night stand (if you would believe it, I accidentally typed "book stand" instead of night stand. Well, I guess that is what it really is). I want to start practicing again because I have neglected the piano and now its getting back at me by not sounding the way I want it to sound. I want to start writing again because all this reading has reminded me of my biggest dream when I was little. I want to cultivate friendships now that I spend most of my day alone (this is probably the busiest semester of Scott's undergraduate career). I can't possibly do them all.
I'm not sure what my point in this rant is. I think mostly I felt like writing, but couldn't justify getting out my notebook and sitting in a corner for an hour. It is so much easier to while away time on the computer than anywhere else, but there is never really anything to show for it at the end. In the last hour and a half (did I really spend that much time on here?) I could have at least finished my biochem reading for tomorrow.
I'm hoping that now that I have a new job, it will be easier to motivate myself and give myself structure. I won't be dreading the next day of work so much that I want to pull the covers over my head.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a bummer post. I'm just examining my reasons for not wanting to study, when I have lived for studying for the last four years. I have a test on Saturday and I feel no inward drive to prepare for it, even though I know that I am completely clueless about the material and I didn't do well on the last test. Maybe I need to schedule my day rigidly and try to stick to it, just so I can get more done. I need to stop being such a slacker!
After all that, I feel a lot lighter. To round out the post, here are some Lemmons updates of happiness:
1. Scott got a 100% on both his PdBio 362 test and his tissue bio test. These are the two classes taught by professors he wants letters of recommendation from, so this is a very good thing. :)
2. I quit my job at Mesa Vista and was hired today by Borders! I was in my car when I heard the voicemail and I screamed. Pretty loudly.
3. I discovered the best bookshop every in Salt Lake today. It reminds me of Shakespeare and Co. in Paris. I think I'm going to have to make it a weekly stop on my way home from volunteering on Thursdays. Hopefully they won't mind me loitering around not making purchases. And hopefully Borders won't consider it a disloyalty.
4. I saw Jenny and Jaden today. I haven't seen them since I stopped doing ABA for Jaden in August, and it was good to visit for a few minutes. Jaden remembered me and gave me a hug, although he was acting shy at first. When I knocked on the door, he peeked out the door and yelled, 'Mommy! It's Lorren!'
5. I'm rediscovering music. For a little while, I was hardly listening to music at all. I'm not sure why -I think maybe it was a result of driving so much when I was working in Sandy. I just got sick of my iPod, got sick of listening to music doing nothing. But the magic of it is back, and it is a great stress relief.
6. I went to In-N-Out with Sarah. Always good to see a person, especially a person I really like. :)
7. It's almost the weekend, which means I get to spend time with Scott.
This introspective rant is over, and I am going to climb into our big fat La-Z-Boy and read my biochem book. No Kindle, no computer, no chocolate. I'm just going to remind myself over and over like a mantra, "I love learning. I love science. I love learning. I love science." Until I am finished with my tests.