My Mother's Day

"Mother and Child" by Xi Pan

Last year, I wrote a Mother's Day post expressing my love and appreciation for the many women who have influenced my life. I could easily write a similar post today, but because my Mother's Day was a little different this year, I wanted to focus on that.

My Mother's Day began with little squeaks and shouts from the corner bedroom. I was happy to hear them despite the early hour, because I had to leave for work in three minutes and I wanted to get at least a kiss and a squeeze before heading off to work.

My day was filled with hanging chemotherapy and convincing teenagers to drink water and take pills. My husband texted me some cute pictures of Cal playing outside. My coworkers wished me Happy Mother's Day. I received texts from my family members. But the experience that hit me the hardest was from an unexpected source.

There is a sweet little patient on our unit whose mom isn't able to be there. This baby girl cries from the moment she wakes up until late at night, when she collapses in exhaustion. The only relief for her is having someone to hold her. Even when she is the only patient her nurse is assigned to, that nurse can't be in the room every moment -- there are tasks to accomplish that are outside the room, information to document, and so on.

Today I had some extra time, so when this patient's nurse went to lunch and this little girl's wails and cries for mama started ringing in the halls I went into her room for some snuggle time. This sweet little toddler locked her arms around me and nestled into my neck. Within minutes she was asleep, and I held her for about a half hour, until another nurse with some extra time came in to get some snuggles of her own.

As I held this little angel baby, a few thoughts were going through my head. First of all, I thought how lucky it was that this girl who was missing her mama and this mama who was missing her baby on Mother's Day could have a few moments to comfort each other. I also thought of how this lonely little child was so precious to her Heavenly Father, and that although her outward appearance betrayed nothing of her royal heritage, in reality she is a little princess beloved by a King.

And finally, I thought of the talk, "Are Not We All Mothers?" by Sheri Dew. (My lovely friend Kristin also highlighted a quote from this talk today, and it seemed meant to be as we both seem to be pondering along similar wavelengths these days). In this talk, Sister Dew states, "Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born." This doesn't mean that if we are not yet mothers we are failing. It means that if we are not yet mothers, it is simply because the fulness of that promise has not yet been unfolded to us. It also means that the nurturing, mothering love that is nascent in all of us is not limited to the children that we carry and bear. 

I think of my sweet 8-year-old niece, who already has a mother heart and spends family gatherings holding the babies and bringing them toys to play with. I think of those who teach in churches and schools and the tender ways they impart the gift of knowledge to their students. I think of the women to whom I entrust my precious boy when I am called away to "take care of the sick babies." I think of the friends I know who have carried babies and lost them; those that are still waiting for a pregnancy to appear. I am privileged to have the blessing of mothering in a small way the children that come to be treated on my unit. 

I think the lesson Mother's Day brought to me today was that in addition to the beautiful sacrifices made by my own mother, and the appreciation that I myself enjoyed from my husband and son (we celebrated yesterday), are the everyday moments of divine womanhood and nurturing that every woman has the ability to give. I'm grateful for the women who came before me, from my mother and grandmothers to Eve, and I'm grateful for the women contemporary with me, from whom I learn every day, regardless of whether or not they are "officially" mothers. I'm grateful for the illuminating moment I experienced about the spark of divinity within us all. 

Health Article Round-up: June 2013

Lately I've been coming across many interesting articles about health and medicine. I've decided to share a few of them each month. Enjoy.

:: Deaths from diabetes have apparently doubled in New York over the last two decades. It is motivating me to eat better -- I don't usually think of eating too many desserts as a potential cause of death, just a cause of too tight jeans. It's a good reminder.

:: But good news -- Boston Children's Hospital has made some fantastic progress in determining the cause of type 1 diabetes.

:: 60-90% of women do not meet the minimum preventive recommendations of a healthy diet and activity level for preventing cancer. The American Cancer Society guidelines are summarized here.

:: This blogger believes that we should get rid of "kid food" (i.e. colored marshmallows, fruit roll-ups, and other "fake food") and teach kids to eat real food. I think I agree. He states that one of the leading causes of death in the United States is an inappropriate diet, and we should teach our kids to eat an appropriate one from an early age.

:: Molecular targeted therapies are replacing chemotherapy as the first drug of choice in treating cancer. Could chemo eventually be a thing of the past? That would be fabulous. My dad works for Seattle Genetics, a company that produces one of these molecular targeted therapies (brentuximab vedotin) for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Let's hope that things continue to get better for those who have cancer. 

Courage.

Many people have asked me why my goal is to work with children who have cancer. They ask how I can handle it, especially having a son of my own now. I've never been able to put it into words. I have a few answers of course -- I've lost loved ones to cancer and it has inspired me to help others, I like working with patients long-term, I find working with cancer patients to be more challenging and rewarding than other forms of nursing -- but the real reason is this ineffable quality I've never been able to define.

Watch this video, and I think you'll understand. (It is long, but it is well worth twenty minutes of your day -- much more worth it than time spent on Facebook or watching a show. Trust me on this one).

I want to work with children who have cancer because I want to help people who are struggling with this vicious disease. But the truth is that they help me far more than I can ever help them. So far I have only worked with cancer patients and their families in school and volunteer capacities, and already so many of them have changed my life. I have seen teenage boys like the one in the video who are so willing to seize life despite the discomfort and fear their cancer brings them. I have seen a six-year-old girl confined in a hospital room for months at a time who still manages to smile every single day and live her life with a zest and passion I've rarely seen elsewhere. I have spent time with children bearing the burden of loss and disease as their parents suffer with cancer, and the way they still have so much joy and love in their souls.

People have asked me how I can leave my beautiful son and go to work. Part of me still wonders how I will do it. I would love to stay home with him always, and I am grateful that nursing doesn't take me from him every day. Part of the reason I am going to work is financial of course -- we need insurance and money to live in this expensive place. But another part of that reason is that multiple times I have felt the Spirit prompt me to do this work. I didn't want to be a nurse at first -- I had lofty career goals and prestigious degrees in mind. I resisted the prompting I felt to change my life, but it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Changing my carefully constructed plans made me available to marry my wonderful husband, gave me the freedom to have a child sooner than I had originally thought I would, allowed me to move to this city where I have already met so many wonderful people. At first I thought changing those plans was only to facilitate those results, but about a year ago, 7 months pregnant and wondering if I should continue in my plans to work, I felt it again -- the Spirit calling me to care for these children, better their lives in any way I can, and allow them to better me.

The courage of the young man in this video and his wonderful, supportive loved ones has moved me so much today. Death is a strange thing -- it is the thing people fear most, it is one of the only universal experiences, and yet it can also inspire us in such a beautiful way. I know that I will be less likely to complain when one of the many tiny things that inevitably go wrong falls upon me today. I will remember Zach and the other children who have touched my life and inspired me to live better.

Dating

Ok, I'm going to switch to first person now. Haha.

Scott asked me to be his girlfriend on December 11, 2009. This date was also significant because it was a reading day. While I'm very glad I started dating Scott, I would not recommend starting a relationship during finals week. It is very hard to focus on studying when you are excited about dating someone! The next day was also a reading day. We spent the day apart and then went for Scott's favorite dessert at Applebees, the maple butter blondie. Then we went to a park and talked for a while, then we went and played smurf with some friends. Everyone thought Scott had already kissed me, and so that was a theme of the night. They were all very surprised when Scott asked me if I had "smurfed" that day and I said no. A little later he dropped me off and went home. But about fifteen minutes later (after I'd already changed into my pajamas) he asked if he could come back over because he forgot to give me something. I already knew exactly what was up. A few weeks earlier, Scott had been looking at my "bucket list" and seen that being kissed under the mistletoe was on it. When he knocked on the door, I looked up and sure enough, there was mistletoe hanging there. He told me he wanted to help me out with my bucket list and kissed me. He was so cute and so pleased with himself. :) He was even cute when he tripped as he walked away.

A few days later we separated for the Christmas break but we talked on the phone every couple of days, a couple of times holding out because we hoped the other would call first! I was very happy when I opened my suitcase because Scott had put a mix CD in there when I wasn't looking, full of romantic or funny songs that seemed to fit in perfectly with our relationship.

When we came back our dating was really able to begin. I always appreciated that Scott made an effort to plan creative dates and ask me on them. Some of the favorites were making painting on canvases, making edible peanut butter play dough, "Italian night" when we made me delicious spaghetti carbonara and then took me to the International Cinema for an Italian movie, and the festival of colors at Spanish Fork. While the dating was a lot of fun, I was very freaked out by the idea of marriage. Scott made no secret of the fact that it was on his mind, but he also didn't push me to talk about it. He told me he was as ready as I wanted to be, and I told him I was NOT ready!

In early March we both participated in the Rex Lee Run. This was a particularly special experience for Scott because he ran in honor of his mom, who passed away from cancer 8 years ago. However, about a mile into the race, I was in extreme pain due to that too-familiar monthly visitor. I tried to keep running, but it was so bad that I had to sit down for several minutes. I felt bad and told Scott that he could keep running. I didn't want to ruin his special race. But he stayed with me until I felt better. At the end, he wanted to run faster and I didn't, so I told him I didn't mind if he went on ahead. He said, "I've gone this far with you, I'm not going to leave you now!" That was one of the first moments when I thought that I could possibly marry him.

A few other changes also had to take place before I was ready to marry Scott. I had been planning on going to pharmacy school pretty solidly. I had gone through most of my undergrad education and figured that I probably wouldn't be married by the time I graduated, so I thought, why not pursue higher education? However, as things got more serious with Scott I wondered if my academic goals were compatible with my eternal goals of marriage and a family. I also started to think about the financial realities of going to pharmacy school. I shadowed a pharmacist and found myself envying the nurses as we rounded with the doctors. After talking to my roommates (who were nursing majors) and some other personal experiences, I decided to change my post-graduation plans and apply for a spot in U of U's accelerated nursing program (It is a fourteen month program where if you already have a bachelor's degree you can quickly complete another for a BSN). It was a very hard decision and it freaked me out (even though I knew it was the right one) and so I couldn't think about marriage for another several weeks.

However, there came a point where I knew that I felt how I wanted to feel. I was still really scared (and continued to be really scared up until we got married) but I knew that Scott fulfilled every hope I could have for a husband and that I felt strongly enough about him to be in love with him for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure what to do once I came to this realization because he knew I was freaked out about marriage and was hesitant to bring it up. One Saturday morning after going to the Provo Farmer's Market, after hugging me for a long time I asked him what he was thinking about. I felt his heart start beating really fast and he said, "I want to marry you, Lorren." I felt so happy and said, "I think I want to marry you too but I'm not sure how to be sure about it!" But we started taking steps forward. He asked if I wanted to go ring shopping before or after we visited his family in California (a trip that had been planned for a while and was coming up in a couple of weeks) and I freaked out. But a few days later I told him I was ready to go ring shopping. We did and it was super weird and super fun. I wanted to try my ring on again so bad but Scott wouldn't let me see it. Then we went to California... and I was left wondering if we would end up engaged at the end of the trip or not!

To be continued of course!